You know the drill after a tough breakup—cut off all contact to get over your ex.
But how do you know if no contact is actually working?
Are those gnawing feelings in your gut gone for good or just in hiding?
Take heart—there are tells.
You’re on track if you’ve managed to ditch the sad love songs and handle your ex’s Instagram with steely resolve.
And if that picture hidden in your bedside table doesn’t make you ache like it used to, no contact is doing its job.
Getting over an ex can be brutal—we all know it.
After a breakup, our impulse is often to reach out to our ex constantly, asking questions, seeking closure, or trying to reconnect.
But in most cases, this only makes healing take longer. That’s where the no-contact rule comes in.
Essentially, no contact means cutting off all communication with your ex for a set period of time.
It allows you to get the space and distance you need to move forward. But what does no contact actually involve? Here are the key things:
- Blocking or unfollowing your ex on all social media and removing their number
- Asking friends not to pass along updates about your ex
- Not reaching out to your ex, even just to chat or “check-in”
- Not checking your ex’s social media pages or asking others about them
- Focusing fully on yourself and your own growth
It’s tough medicine to swallow, but trust that the no-contact rule works wonders if you stick to it.
Now, how do you know if it’s having the desired effect?
It’s normal to feel skeptical that completely cutting contact with an ex will actually help you move on.
The temptation to connect is so strong.
However, many people report that imposing a period of zero contact after a breakup can be highly effective for healing.
With enough time and perspective away from your ex, those intense romantic feelings may start to fade as you regain a stronger sense of self and clarity again.
Implementing no contact takes discipline, but it does seem to speed the transition into moving forward in profound ways.
Wondering if no contact has helped you turn the corner?
Take note—the signs are more subtle than you think.
If you spot one or more of these, you’ll know you’re gaining ground in moving past your ex:
1. You’ve Lost Interest in Stalking Their Social Media
Gone are the days of pathetically scrolling through every photo and over-analyzing every post. You no longer feel the need to decode their tweets for hidden messages or dig for clues about their life without you. This is a huge step.
- You don’t click on their profiles just to see their face or the latest person they’re hanging with
- You’re focused on your real friends’ updates now, not your ex’s
- You feel indifferent when their posts pop up in your feed
When an ex’s social media no longer intrigues you, it means you’ve broken the obsessive habit. Give yourself a pat on the back for kicking this tough cycle.
2. Random Reminders of Them Don’t Sting Anymore
Perhaps one of the worst post-breakup pains is when little things unexpectedly revive all those feelings—hearing a song you both loved, passing your old date spot, seeing their favorite food. Ugh. But when no contact has done its magic, you’ll be able to face these sucker punches without crumbling.
That personalized gift they gave you is just another knickknack now. You hear the TV show you always watched together and don’t bat an eye. Running into mutual friends doesn’t send you spiraling anymore
Take comfort when those surprise reminders lose their grip on you. It means you’re not hostage to the past anymore.
3. You Can Imagine Yourself With Someone New
At first, the mere thought of being intimate with or romancing someone else after your ex made you want to wretch. When you’ve made real progress moving on, you will start to picture potential new partners.
- You check out that cute guy/girl you met without comparing them to your ex
- You fantasize about one day having inside jokes and long talks again—just not with your ex
- You know you can feel just as happy and loved with the right person
- You no longer think about intimate scenarios with your ex
- You don’t feel guilty about starting a new relationship
This sign is hugely promising. It signals your heart is open for business again.
4. You Have More Clarity on The Relationship’s Issues
Some space and distance from your ex will make you realize a lot of things—mostly that some of your ex’s behaviors were just not okay. When no contact helps you gain clarity, you’re reminded why it would never have worked long-term.
Now you have an accurate recall of the constant criticism or neglect and recognize your needs weren’t truly being met. You may realize that too many of your values or goals are incompatible.
Feeling this clarity proves you’ve digested the relationship on a deeper level and aren’t viewing your ex through rose-colored glasses anymore. Progress!
5. Reconciliation Fantasies Have Stopped
For a while after a split, it’s normal to soothe yourself with fairytales of reuniting with your ex and living happily ever after. But when no contact has run its course, you’ll notice these hopeless fantasies fade away. You know that too much damage is done to resuscitate things.
If you got back together, you know that nothing would be different and understand that you deserve a fresh, better relationship.
Once reconciliation dreams die out, you know you’ve dropped the false hope of resuscitating the past. You’re looking toward the future now—and that’s exactly where you should be.
The five main signs show that no contact has served its purpose—you’re moving forward. But a few other subtle clues signal you’re gaining traction, too. Notice if any of these crop up:
- You stop wondering, “What if?” – Asking yourself what could have been with your ex used to torment you endlessly. Now you know that ship has sailed, and you make peace with it.
- You regain pride – Somewhere along the heartbreak, your self-esteem took a battering. But perspective and time heal wounds. You feel that old confidence coming back.
- Their flaws stand out – It’s harder to gloss over their troublesome qualities through rose-tinted glasses. You see them for who they truly are.
- Making plans is exciting – Whether it’s drinks with friends or an adventure getaway, you look ahead with optimism rather than just trudging through each day lonely.
- You have new relationship dealbreakers – All that you learned can now help you make better partner choices. You have clarity on what you need.
- Past betrayals don’t devastate you – When you stumble on mementos from when your ex hurt you, they may still sting a bit but don’t cut to your core now.
If one or more of these land, congratulate yourself on how far you’ve come. The version of you post-breakup would scarcely recognize the healed, hopeful person you now are.
Unfortunately, there is no universal timeframe—it varies per person and relationship. Typically, 30-60 days is the minimum of no communication experts recommend after a breakup before you can realistically gauge your progress.
However, the deeper the love and longer the relationship, the more time is required, possibly several months. Keep going until those telltale signs pop up, showing no contact has served its purpose. Ultimately, focus less on a deadline and more on your own personal growth.
No contact can sometimes fail to do its job. How?
If after weeks or months without your ex, you still feel utterly stuck, and the thought of them consumes you daily. Or those happy fantasies of reconciliation refuse to fade.
Here are signs no contact has stalled out:
1. You Still Check Their Social Media Obsessively
When no contact doesn’t take, their Instagram still has an unshakeable grip on you. You analyze their posts, searching for hidden messages to you. Seeing new friends/partners sends you into an emotional spiral. Hours pass “digging” for intel on their life.
2. You Idealize The Relationship
Do thoughts like “no one will compare to them” or “I’ll never find that amazing chemistry again” plague you? That’s a clue you still view your relationship through rose-colored glasses—another sign no contact hasn’t done its job yet.
3. You Crave Contact
This one’s obvious but telling. If you’re still tempted to text or call, no matter the occasion or excuse, no contact still needs more time. Reinitiating contact will just reopen wounds, not provide closure.
4. You’re Not Embracing Life Without Them
When no contact works, it slowly opens up room for new hobbies, friends, and growth opportunities. But if you’re still declining invitations, skipping the gym, and calling out of work months later, you likely need more time away from your ex.
5. The Idea of Them Being With Someone Else Devastates You
No contact helps you make peace with the fact that you and your ex now have separate lives. But if the thought of them dating, kissing, or sleeping with someone new still drops you into a pit of despair, no contact hasn’t provided enough objectivity yet. You have meltdowns thinking about your ex getting intimate.
It’s normal to wonder what’s going through your ex’s mind when you cut contact after a breakup. While every situation differs, here are some common things he may be thinking and feeling.
For the first while, he’s likely still processing the breakup and aftermath. He could be thinking things like:
- Wondering how you’re holding up emotionally
- Debating whether to reach out just to check on you
- Missing your company or little things like sending you memes
- Feeling regret about his role in the relationship failing
- Questioning if he made the right decision to end things
Further into no contact, with more time and space, comes a wider perspective. Thoughts like these might then arise:
- Grieving the overall loss of intimacy and companionship
- Truly evaluating if you were incompatible long-term or not
- Determining what he wants for future relationships
- Deciding whether the door is closed for good or if reconciliation is possible down the road
The most important reason to do no contact is so you can heal and move forward. Don’t use it to try to influence what your ex thinks.
Getting ready to cut contact with an ex can feel daunting. But setting the stage properly will help you stick to it during tempting, weak moments.
Remove Old Reminders and Mementos
Having keepsakes from your relationship around will subconsciously tie you to the past. Do a sweep now. Box up gifts, old letters, and photos so they’re not visible. Unsave racy texts or pics on your phone; those are risky if you waver. If needed, stay with family or friends for support during the initial sting. Following this mental detox will help you avoid painful triggers.
Tell Close Friends About Your Plan
Let your inner circle know you’ll be taking time to heal away from your ex. Their encouragement can bolster you. Ask them not to bring up or send updates about your ex. Explain you may need extra pampering through meet-ups or girls’/guys’ nights. Lean on them if you falter in your resolve. Accountability from friends truly helps.
Set a No Contact End Date
As difficult as it is, a minimum of 30 days is recommended. But set your sights on 45, 60, or 90 days for a complete reset. Mark it in your calendar so you have an end goal. Schedule something special that day as a personal reward. Remind yourself this is not forever—just a temporary stepping stone to heal. Visualizing an end date gives hope and keeps you motivated.
List Your Dealbreakers Going Forward
Spend time thinking through what you absolutely need in a healthy relationship and will not compromise on next time. Write these non-negotiables down. When you waver on contacting an ex, referring to this list can re-center you.
Write Yourself a Letter for Tough Days
Journal about why you know you must take this time away from your ex to heal. Seal it and save it for whenever you feel weak. Reading your past empowered perspectives in black and white will steady you.
Do Things That Make You Feel Confident
Heartbreak can hurt your self-esteem. Do things to help yourself feel confident again before starting no contact. Get a nice new haircut, go out with friends who make you feel good, or buy an outfit you love. Feeling happy with yourself will make it easier to stick to no contact.
Navigating loneliness during the no-contact period involves embracing solitude and focusing on self-improvement. It’s a time for self-reflection, discovering new interests, and reconnecting with old ones. Establishing a support system of friends and family is crucial, as is seeking professional help if feelings of loneliness become overwhelming.
It’s also an opportunity to volunteer or join new groups, expanding your social network outside of your previous relationship. Remember, the goal is to grow independently, finding happiness and fulfillment within yourself rather than seeking it from others.
Handling mutual friends during a no-contact period with an ex requires clear boundaries and communication. It’s important to discuss your decision with close friends, explaining your need for space without forcing them to choose sides. Agreeing on social settings where interactions with your ex are minimized can help, as can planning separate gatherings.
Respect friends’ relationships with your ex, but also protect your emotional well-being by avoiding situations that might hinder your healing process. Emphasize your desire to maintain friendships while also sticking to your no-contact commitment.
Brace yourself – endurance through the initial few weeks of no contact with an ex is brutal. It’s a rollercoaster. Roughly three weeks into no contact is often the most challenging point emotionally. Those first 21 days without your former partner are critical. Urges to reach out peak around this period.
Feelings of grief also surge, fueling obsessive thoughts about happier times together or what your ex is up to now. Know it’s completely normal for your mind to scream at you to abandon no contact around the 3-week mark. Just dig deep and keep going – push through day by day.
Final Thoughts
No contact after heartbreak is tough, no doubt. But resist the impulse to connect just yet. Let patience and self-care slowly mend wounds until you spot those signs of light peeking through. If you stick with it, the day will come when you can look back and realize this difficult yet necessary step truly allowed your bruised heart to heal.
